From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
