I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
that is very illegal...i love you.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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