I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I AM VODKA MAN
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
