I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
