I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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