So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
