I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
