My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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