so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Why is your signature on my underwear?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
