Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
