My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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