Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
