I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
