I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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