No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
