I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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