Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I haven't been this sober since birth.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
