do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
time to smoke my breakfast
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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