i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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