Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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