I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
