We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
