My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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