Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We are all done wearing pants today
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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