im about as happy as oj after his trial
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize