I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
