I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
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