you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
