I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
