Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
