You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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