New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
