i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
