In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
