Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
