ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
