it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
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