Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
