It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I stole a fireplace last night.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
