This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
