I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
