Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Dicks are not precious.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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