I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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