I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
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