I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
