Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
