Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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