I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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