No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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