I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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