T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
