he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
