now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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